Change of heart - for now

I think I have had a change of heart re: the private blog thing. I really really dont want to have a private blog because it just makes things difficult and I want people to be able to read my blog freely.

I was extremely angry and upset at a certain family member earlier today and not knowing whether she reads my blog or not, I wanted to have a massive vent and felt like I was a little censored by the blog being so public. (Turns out she does - surprise surprise)

Things have smoothed a little now though and I am thinking that it will be ok to stay public. After all I don't usually vent about things too often on here. The odd time that I do at least it is honest and heartfelt. Family relationships can be so difficult at times and sometimes you need to make decisions that are the best for your own self preservation and sanity. I am quite content having a distant and superficial relationship with my family members - it saves me thousands in psychologists fees and allows me to get on with creating my own life and family memories where the things that I value and have created for myself are important. I think sometimes selfishness is a necessary evil. I chose this path deliberately a long time ago and it works for me and my sanity. If other people dont like it - then thats too bad.

I don't know why some people cant just accept that if they want to have the life they aspire to then they need to get out there, figure out how to do it and take responsibility for doing it off their own back. No one is going to come along and hand you the perfect life on a silver platter and there is always going to be things that are impossible to change that you just need to accept and move on from. The victim mentality will only keep you going for so long. If you dont like your life then do something about it to make it so you do. I did and it works for me - if other people cant accept that then its just too bad.

I think that I am feeling particularly fed up with being so pregnant and with everything that has gone on re: the maternity leave thing I was feeling very fragile today emotionally. I nearly thrw my mobile phone at a brick wall so that I didn't have to deal with it anymore.

So much for the public service being a nice safe employer to work for - it seems they too will f*&K you over the first chance they get as well as any other employer. I spoke with a Solicitor today and it seems like there really isn't very much hope. I have two last things up my sleeve but one of them involves writing a letter that will need to be very well structured and worded and that might take me a week or so.

So we will be living on one income for the time I am off work. I might look into going back slightly earlier than originally planned for two days per week - if I can arrange child care a couple of days per week. Mark says I don't have to if I don't want to though - and that isn't really something I wanted for my child in the first year of his life. I'll see how I am going with it all after he has arrived.

I was extremely upset yesterday and I spent a long time awake in tears last night. Thus the reason for being even more emotional than normal today.

But -- if I am going to be as busy as everyone says I will then I don't need to worry about being bored, I have spin bike, an ability to run long distances, a very good quality pram, a set of weights and enough knowledge (and hopefully motivation) to still achieve the things I wanted to achieve in the next twelve months health and fitness wise.

I'm sure it will all work out for the best.

As for family members - if they want to continue reading my blog - if my life is that interesting to you that you can't tear your eyes away despite the fact that you never want to speak to me again - thats fine - I'm not going to change my life and the way I live it. I'm quite happy with how it works for me. If I appear cold hearted and selfish or even the biggest bitch in the world - I'm fine with that too.