Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Struggling with selfishness

I admit it - I am having a hard time getting back into training - but not for the reasons I thought I would (i.e. lack of motivation) - it is because I feel selfish for dumping Harris in the childcare at the gym and not spending time with him.

Initially I was trying to get him back into a solid routine and I didn't want to go out when I knew it would mess his routine up for sleeping - now I know that I can work around that - especially if I walk to the gym with the pram.

But I just feel so selfish for leaving him there. I don't know where this has come from really because before I got sick last month I had no problem leaving him at the gym creche.

What got me thinking about it really was listening the the wonderful Lia interview both Rae and Michelle Nazaroff for Lindy Olsen at the All Female competition. ( you did a great job Lia).
Listening to Michell Nazaroff talk about managing her baby as well as training got me thinking about it all.

I need to feel OK about giving time to get myself back to where I was before. It is OK to leave him with a carer for a few hours so I can be the best I can be. It is OK for me to want to be the best I can be.

I guess I haven't really done a lot of navel gazing lately - but perhaps I should start again.

Lately I have had a very much "this is good enough" attitude. There has been lots of excuse making going on. Lots of "it doesn't really matter because I actually look OK. I haven't really been feeling bad about the way my body looks but perhaps I have a bit of a hazy view - perhaps I'm not really looking hard and being critical of myself anymore - perhaps that is a good thing?

On a side note I was reading in a parenting magazine about a woman who organises runners to participate in half marathons; fundraising for premature babies and equipment for hospitals etc. I think that this might be something that I would like to participate in. Since having Harris my heart goes out to anyone with a sick baby or child and the doctors who work the miracles to save them. I can't even watch stories about sick cchildren on RPA and shows like that anymore without tearing up. It is something that I have come to feel very strongly about. I need to do some more research though - so watch this space!

3 comments:

Doris's BEHAG journey said...

Andrea, you are not alone. I was the same when my son was born and I still am the same and my son is almost 21! I still can not watch stories where people abuse these beautiful creatures that we create..............don't understand how they can??

Shar said...

Hey Andrea
Don't feel selfish, without feeling greatand looking after yourself how can you be great for Bub.
Perhaps don't go all out on I will go bla bla times per week and do this and do that, try and schedule a regular day or two in per week to go that way you will look forward to it and its not to much fro bubs?

Shar x

LizN said...

when you think that it's an hour out of the full day you spend with Harris that's not a lot. Less than 5% ,not selfish, essential for your sanity!

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